Felicitate

Felicitate (v. t.) To express joy or pleasure to; to wish felicity to; to call or consider (one's self) happy; to congratulate.

I tend not to believe too much in the idea of random coincidences, so when I came across an old quote I cherished not once but twice this week, I found myself pausing and giving it some reflection.

I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything, live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. (Rainer Maria Rilke) 

I can recall when I first fell in love with this quote. It was during my graduate years, before I met J. I, like so many single gals out there in their 20s, was struggling with the all-too-frequent string of broken hearts, bad first dates, and engagements of my all-too-taken friends. I simply could not figure out why such a fabulous person like myself could still be single, when there were so many miserable, terrible people out there in relationships (oh, c'mon.... like you haven't thought that just once in your life?). I remember spending an entire summer, intentionally single, trying to discover some inner truths about myself and what I wanted in a partner (I think some of my friends probably still have that laundry list somewhere tucked away). In ways that I now realize are completely illogical, I remember thinking that whatever I went through in life would be tempered by the fact that I would some day have a person to call my own. I am ashamed to admit that I recall listening to a friend with a serious life concern at the time and thinking, "well, at least you have your husband." God, Gram would be so proud of me for having such archaic, anti-feminist thoughts!


I can now look back at the time 5+ years ago (eek!) and realize that I was "living my way to the answers" in my life. I had to experience and embrace that time in my life to become a complete, whole, healthy person before I met J. And I was partially right - it is nice to have a life partner, someone on whom to rely upon when times get tough. However, I was wholeheartedly wrong in thinking that a relationship would be a life panacea (and for those single gals still out there, being in a relationship adds a whole different set of problems - like tonight's battle over the TV. Seriously, the only way I know that J. fell asleep in his chair right now is because I am able to watch TV commercials. Otherwise, we would have hit at least five channels in the past 30 seconds).


As much as this quote reminded me to settle in and enjoy the "delicious ambiguity" (to quote from my all-time favorite quote by Gilda Radner) of my life during that chapter half a decade ago, this week Fate sent it again as a reminder to enjoy this stage, as well. As much as the frustration and the disappointment and the "what ifs" can immobilize a person, the hope and the unknowing can also spur us forward - living our lives as part of the journey rather than just seeing it a means to an end. Just like finding a husband didn't end all my problems (don't tell J. this!), having a family won't bring perfection. Life is about enjoying the here and now fully and embracing the happiness, to felicitate. I once knew this lesson. It's time that I was gently reminded of it.

The F Word

Some of the best words begin with the letter "f." Take facula which is a bright spot on the sun's surface or facundity which is a fancy way of saying eloquence. Then, of course, there is fandango which is not only my preferred movie website, but also a Spanish dance (who knew?). Let's not forget a Francophile who should not be friends with someone who is a Francophobe. Who really cares that much about the French anyway? My husband would be considered a fructuary, a person who enjoys eating the fruit of just about anything while I might be considered by some to be a flibbertigibbet (a person who is seen as flighty or gossipy [hanging my head in shame]). Then of course there are all those other f words that can be used in all sorts of ways....

But there is a bigger f-word in my life presently: fertility. There. I said it. It seems to be the elephant in the room when you reach a certain age, you've been married a certain length of time, and there seems to be no other explanation for why your guest room hasn't been yet converted to a nursery. Random strangers will ask you about your family planning intentions, while close friends seem to tiptoe carefully around the subject. Why is it such a taboo subject? Certainly, it's one of the most personal and biggest decisions in one's life - but so was choosing a college to attend, getting married, getting that horrible perm back in middle school, agreeing to go to the winter formal with the pity date, drinking absinthe in Germany, etc...  (hmm... maybe our friends' judgments are a bit suspicious now that I think about it.... ). Our friends aided us through those uncharted waters. Why is this such a private matter?

I doubt many things in life, but there are four truths that I believe eternally:
1. that the mind, body, and spirit are linked more strongly than I could have ever believed. This is why, as we begin to try to have a family, I think it's so important that my body be as healthy as it can be - from the inside out. I know that in the past, I have often focused on one aspect of myself often to neglect another. So for now, I hope to nurture my mind, my psyche, my soul, and my body as much as I can. Many of you know I have begun acupuncture in the past few weeks. I hope to start practicing yoga and meditation regularly, in addition to healthy diet and exercise that I have been maintaining.
2. that the power of writing can be a very soothing balm, serving to organize the chaos of my mind and make sense of the garbled emotions and thoughts that often pervade my mind throughout the day
3. that anything can be tackled better with a sense of humor. Without a doubt, this is one thing that I have learned through my relationship with Jason. No matter how serious or trivial the problem is, when we are able to laugh about it, we get through it. If I can keep this perspective throughout, I know that it will only add to #1's truth. The Crouse House is never without laughter. We have found ways to laugh about even this journey already (although they are probably too politically incorrect to repeat here! Suffice to say, J. said them, not me!). 
4. that the female friendships I have in my life are essential to my life energy. While I am blessed to have found a spouse who is a partner in every way I could ever have hoped, there is simply a line in the world where men cannot cross. Men cannot relate to a sense that some gigantic clock is sitting somewhere, playing Humpty Dumpty with our eggs. Men cannot understand the changes a woman's body goes through throughout her cycle (let alone her life). Heck, my husband cannot figure out how to separate the laundry (or apparently how to clean a bathroom, but that's a whole different type of blog!). I know my girlfriends will be the amazing women that will champion me through the inevitable trials and tribulations ahead. Women have a way of understanding what needs to be said, done, and prayed for - and doing it (well, except for the woman I met recently who reminded me, without much tact, that I need to "remember, dear, that you've already passed your prime for having children a few years ago." Thanks, lady. I owe you one!) :)

So, as with everything in life, I hope you are able to join me on this journey as I go along the twisted path of the "f word." I know it will test my faith and my fortitude but I know that with the grace and kindness of some special women in my life (and some good silent, belly laughs along the way), it will be that much easier. Thanks for coming along!