Felicitate

Felicitate (v. t.) To express joy or pleasure to; to wish felicity to; to call or consider (one's self) happy; to congratulate.

I tend not to believe too much in the idea of random coincidences, so when I came across an old quote I cherished not once but twice this week, I found myself pausing and giving it some reflection.

I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything, live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. (Rainer Maria Rilke) 

I can recall when I first fell in love with this quote. It was during my graduate years, before I met J. I, like so many single gals out there in their 20s, was struggling with the all-too-frequent string of broken hearts, bad first dates, and engagements of my all-too-taken friends. I simply could not figure out why such a fabulous person like myself could still be single, when there were so many miserable, terrible people out there in relationships (oh, c'mon.... like you haven't thought that just once in your life?). I remember spending an entire summer, intentionally single, trying to discover some inner truths about myself and what I wanted in a partner (I think some of my friends probably still have that laundry list somewhere tucked away). In ways that I now realize are completely illogical, I remember thinking that whatever I went through in life would be tempered by the fact that I would some day have a person to call my own. I am ashamed to admit that I recall listening to a friend with a serious life concern at the time and thinking, "well, at least you have your husband." God, Gram would be so proud of me for having such archaic, anti-feminist thoughts!


I can now look back at the time 5+ years ago (eek!) and realize that I was "living my way to the answers" in my life. I had to experience and embrace that time in my life to become a complete, whole, healthy person before I met J. And I was partially right - it is nice to have a life partner, someone on whom to rely upon when times get tough. However, I was wholeheartedly wrong in thinking that a relationship would be a life panacea (and for those single gals still out there, being in a relationship adds a whole different set of problems - like tonight's battle over the TV. Seriously, the only way I know that J. fell asleep in his chair right now is because I am able to watch TV commercials. Otherwise, we would have hit at least five channels in the past 30 seconds).


As much as this quote reminded me to settle in and enjoy the "delicious ambiguity" (to quote from my all-time favorite quote by Gilda Radner) of my life during that chapter half a decade ago, this week Fate sent it again as a reminder to enjoy this stage, as well. As much as the frustration and the disappointment and the "what ifs" can immobilize a person, the hope and the unknowing can also spur us forward - living our lives as part of the journey rather than just seeing it a means to an end. Just like finding a husband didn't end all my problems (don't tell J. this!), having a family won't bring perfection. Life is about enjoying the here and now fully and embracing the happiness, to felicitate. I once knew this lesson. It's time that I was gently reminded of it.